Adult Jokes

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Santa as Sex Advisor!

Question: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxersrather than briefs?
Santa: Yes, but you`ll have an even better chance if he doesn`t wearanything at all.

Question: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birthcontrol?
Santa: A misconception.

Question: What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM)and a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)?
Santa: Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years ofapprenticeship for DEM.

Question: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
Santa: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Question: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Santa: Have sex once a year.

Question: What is a chastity belt?
Santa: A labor-saving device.

Question: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Santa: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Question: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I`m pregnant,should I continue to wear a bra?
Santa: Not if you don`t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Question: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby`s sex?
Santa: Childbirth.

Question: My blood type is type O-positive and my husband`s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
Santa: Then the jig is up.

Question: Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you think you are healthy)?
Santa: No, 35 children is enough My husband and I are very attractive. I`m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Santa: Your therapist.

Question: I`m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Santa: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Question: How would I know that my bag of waters broke?
Santa: When you taste it and it is not salty.

Question How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Santa: If it`s the flu, you`ll get better.

Question: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose aswell. Is this true?
Santa: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip

Question: Does pregnancy affect a woman`s memory?
Santa: I don`t remember.

Question: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even myfeet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Santa: Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan).

Question: Ever since I`ve been pregnant, I haven`t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Santa: Depends on what your doing with them.

Question: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Santa: Cause your fatter than they are.

Question: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she`s borderline irrational. So what`s your question?
Santa:

Question: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
Santa: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Question: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy(semen contains prostaglandin - hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on labor?
Santa: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Question: What`s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Santa: Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him.

Question: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Santa: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Question: What`s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
Santa: Brute force.

Question: When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected tomom or added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor forsome mothers)?
Santa: Right after you find out you are pregnant.

Question: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Santa: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Question: How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30minutes for some second-time mothers)?
Santa: Whatever she says, divided by two.

Can't concieve

Banta and Preeto has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.The operation is performed, but a month later, Preeto's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again.
This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, Preeto and Banta resumes normalmarital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceivinga baby.Filled with joy, Preeto now sees the doctor for the regularexamination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we'refinally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually allabout? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think musthave been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

Santa Joins Navy

Santa joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraftcarrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing himaround the ship.
when Santa asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they`re at sea for so long."Let me show you," says the captain.Captain takes Santa down to the rear of the ship where there`s a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This`ll be the best sex you`ll ever have. Go ahead and try it, andI`ll give you some privacy."Santa doesn`t quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns."Wow! That was the best sex I`ve ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?" "That`s your day in the barrel."

Banta explaining his son`s doubts on Sex

Son: How does it feel to have Sex?
Banta: It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

Son: Why do women enjoy sex more than men
Banta: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels morecomfort than your finger.

Son: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
Banta: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone elsecome over and dig your nose, do you like it??

Son: Why woman cannot have ... when they are having menses?
Banta: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

Son: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
Banta: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

Son: Why are making love carried out in private?
Banta: Use your brain, use your brainnnnn.... Will you dig you nose infront of your class?