Santa as Sex Advisor!

Question: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxersrather than briefs?
Santa: Yes, but you`ll have an even better chance if he doesn`t wearanything at all.

Question: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birthcontrol?
Santa: A misconception.

Question: What is the difference between a Direct Entry Midwife (DEM)and a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)?
Santa: Seven years of education for CNM and at least seven years ofapprenticeship for DEM.

Question: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
Santa: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Question: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Santa: Have sex once a year.

Question: What is a chastity belt?
Santa: A labor-saving device.

Question: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Santa: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Question: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I`m pregnant,should I continue to wear a bra?
Santa: Not if you don`t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Question: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby`s sex?
Santa: Childbirth.

Question: My blood type is type O-positive and my husband`s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
Santa: Then the jig is up.

Question: Should I have a baby after 35 (no need for unnecessary tests if you think you are healthy)?
Santa: No, 35 children is enough My husband and I are very attractive. I`m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Santa: Your therapist.

Question: I`m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Santa: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Question: How would I know that my bag of waters broke?
Santa: When you taste it and it is not salty.

Question How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Santa: If it`s the flu, you`ll get better.

Question: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose aswell. Is this true?
Santa: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip

Question: Does pregnancy affect a woman`s memory?
Santa: I don`t remember.

Question: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even myfeet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Santa: Yes, your bladder and your brain (latest research according to a CAT scan).

Question: Ever since I`ve been pregnant, I haven`t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Santa: Depends on what your doing with them.

Question: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Santa: Cause your fatter than they are.

Question: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she`s borderline irrational. So what`s your question?
Santa:

Question: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
Santa: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Question: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy(semen contains prostaglandin - hormone, which stimulate labor) bring on labor?
Santa: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Question: What`s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Santa: Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him.

Question: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Santa: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Question: What`s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
Santa: Brute force.

Question: When is the best time to get an epidural (drug injected tomom or added in the IV that depresses the baby and slows labor forsome mothers)?
Santa: Right after you find out you are pregnant.

Question: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Santa: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Question: How long is the average woman in labor (it takes 10-30minutes for some second-time mothers)?
Santa: Whatever she says, divided by two.