surrogate father

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've
come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your
...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"