Adult Jokes

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dumb people in the beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As boy walks along the sand, he notices many women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is!'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

After some time, she calls out to their son, 'Where's your father? It's time to leave.'

Boy says, 'Dunno. But daddy was talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
longer he talked, the dumber he got. '

way to the Post Office

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

A Wise Man once said......

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don'thave film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats...

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Baby Elephant Penis

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Assorted Part 2

Two blondes walk into a'd think at
least one of them would have seen it.


Phone answering machine message - '....If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key....'*

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.’

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't see any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No,
the steaks are too high.'*


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor
replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.


I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's
not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said
the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the
world's your oyster, go for it..'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your
round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
and let the other one off!

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.. It
said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm
in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'


Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

Assorted Part 1

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you
will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got
a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and
confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your
friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Cheap Prostitue

A guy needs a prostitute badly, and he goes to this place. The guy takes him upstairs to show him a room. In it is the hottest chick he's ever seen. "$500 for an hour" the pimp says. That's too much for the guy so he sees another room.
In it is a less hot chick, but way better than he would ever get himself. "$100" The pimp says. This is still too much for the guy so the pimp asks how much he has. "$5" "Ahh... i know who you need..."
The pimp brings him to the last room in the hallway and in it is the new hottest girl he'd ever seen. The only thing was her skin was a little pale, but for $5? YES!

After he was done, the pimp asked him how it was. The dude says "she was great, but the only thing was she started crying these white tears. What's up with that?" The pimp turns to a busboy and says "The dead one's full again"

A hillbilly and a gay

A hillbilly and a gay are driving down a dirt road one day when the hillbilly spots a sheep with it's head caught in the fence. "I can't pass up this chance!" says the hillbilly, and he runs over to the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fu*king it. He shouts to the gay, "Hey this is great! You wanna come and get a piece of this?" "Hell yeah!" says the gay.

So he runs over to where the sheep is, pulls down his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

Falling over for sex

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and walks over to her husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face again. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Ten Times the Normal Size

Ten Times the Normal Size

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.

Sex Can Make You Sick!

A guy has just got out of prison after doing 10 years for armed robbery. The prison gives him a new suit and $20 so he goes to the nearest brothel for some action.

He walks in and slaps $20 on the table and says "I want to lick some belly button!" "But sir, we don't allow that kind of perversion here!" says the owner.

The guy grabs the mans collar and says " I've just done 10 years hard time, so you give me some belly button now!" The man leads him to a back room where there's a prostitute waiting. Without delay, the guy dives on her and he starts licking and licking, when suddenly he finds some bacon in his teeth. "I must of had it for breakfast" he says to himself quietly, before resuming his feast on the girl. He's licking and licking and licking when suddenly he comes across some egg. "Ah ... egg's benedict for lunch" he assures himself and carries on licking and licking until he finds some potato and says, "Oh I'm gonna be sick!" "Thats what the last Guy Said." Replied the prostitute.

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty but Are'nt

01. Look at the size of his putter.
02. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
03. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
04. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
05. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
06. Lift your head and spread your legs.
07. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
08. Just turn your back and drop it.
09. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Naked Running in the Rain

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!".
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!". So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?". Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.".
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?". Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.". Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?". Ralph answered, "Only when it rains!"

Sex or Fishing?

A man visiting his cabin on a lake knew that the couple next door were on their honeymoon, but noticed that the new husband was always out fishing, all day. After several days the man rowed over to the new husband's boat and said, "Hey, why aren't you in there banging your bride?"
The man said, "Well, she's got gonorrhea." "Oh. Sorry"

The next day the man rowed over again. "You know,"
he said, "You can always try to do it anally." "Well, she's got diarrhea." "Oh. Sorry"
The third day he rowed over yet again, in exasperation. "Why don't you just ask her to suck you off?" "Well, she's got Bleeding Gums." "Then tell me, why in the hell did you marry her?" "Well, she's also got worms, and I like to fish."

Monday, June 11, 2007

Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was
just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Friday, September 08, 2006

PayBack Time

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”


"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male'!"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Are my testicles black?

A guy is lying in his hospital
bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?" Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you".

She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

Friday, June 16, 2006


1.You're bald your whole life.
2.You have a hole in your head.
3.Your neighbors are nuts.
4.The guy behind you is an a**hole
5.Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Father John and young nun Sister Magdalene

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued,"

and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said "the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."