Assorted Part 2

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at
least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message - '....If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key....'*

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.’
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't see any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No,
the steaks are too high.'*

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor
replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
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Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's
not unusual.'
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said
the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's
cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

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Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the
world's your oyster, go for it..'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your
round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
and let the other one off!
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'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.. It
said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
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A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm
in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.