I bet u'll never mind if someone says this to you

*When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes


*When the DENTIST says, Open wide

*When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown ?

*When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back ?

*When the INTERIOR DECORATOR say, Once it's in, you'll love it.

*When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while
and then slowly fall back again

*When the BANKER say, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest

*When the HUNTER says Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats
what he shoots

*When the DOT TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against
the wall?

*When Dry Cleaner says " Kapade Nikal Ke rakhana Main Aata hoon"

Great One Liners !

Behind every successful man there is a great woman and behind every
great woman there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

Avoid rape - say yes.

A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

Thou shalt not commit adultery...unless in the mood.

The best thing about masturbation is that you don't have to talk
afterwards.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Assassins do it from behind.

Chess players mate better.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Good girls spit, Bad girls swallow, Naughty girls gargle.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the
price men have to pay for sex.

When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am
not able to remember, what did I choose.

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
don't and stop, unless they are used together.

Anatomy is something everybody's got, but sure looks better on a
woman.

The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference
between day and night.

If he won't wear a condom, staple his willy at the end. That'll make
him think. Sorta....

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with.

Love without sex is like cooking without eating, but be careful
because sex without condom is like driving a car without breaks!.

I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in
bed.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Prostitution is a hole sale business.

Lets all be considerate towards animal and let all the cocks meet the
pussies of their choice.

I know why I am single, my parents-in-law were not able to have
kids....

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises
without restricting the view.

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park
meat in woman.

Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

To all Virgins - Thanks for Nothing !.

Sign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.

Virginity can be cured.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
or how long it is going to last.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

We all know that wonderful new pill as Viagara, but the scientific
term for it is: Mycoxafloppin.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in
demand.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?.

Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up
straight.

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural ?.

Men who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Virginity is like bubble, one prick all gone.

Men who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,

you'd better have a good hand.

Instead of 'SCREW', why don't they say 'NAIL' ? A man doesn't turn
his point 'round and'round...he hammers it home.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause kids.


I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?.

Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.

Adding manpower to a late project is like getting nine women pregnant
in hopes of obtaining a baby in one month.

Women vs. beer: You know you're the first one to pop a beer.

He loves 'babies', especially those born sixteen to 25 years ago.

No! Nothing like that! I'm just disabling your "virgin" feature.

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used
to it, it ain't so hot.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Girls Bed Time Stories

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -
You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -
You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -
She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -
You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -
You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

At 78 -
If you can get her out of bed, that's another story!!!

Girls Bed Time Stories

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58, 68 and


>78?
>
>At 8 -
>You take her to bed and tell her a story.
>
>
>At 18 -
>You tell her a story and take her to bed.
>
>At 28 -
>You don't need to tell her a story to take her to
bed.
>
>At 38 -
>She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
>
>At 48 -
>You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
>
>At 58 -
>You stay in bed to avoid her story.
>
>At 68 -
>If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
>
>At 78 -
>If you can get her out of bed, that's another
story!!!

Why I Fired My Secretary !

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss.
Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.


I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said

"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's
go to lunch,just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.


On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess
not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.


She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying
a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.